By Deb Watson

Copyright pending

 

 

 

 

This is dedicated to the memory of my dear friend

DOUG CHICOS

July 1, 1974 – JULY 16, 2009

 

Although Doug left without a final goodbye, I am convinced that he has arrived safely at his ultimate destination.

 

My friend, I dreamed of what you could become and now in the twinkling of an eye you have become so much more.

 

I do not grieve as those who have no hope. In my pain, I cling to that very hope and the assurance that you and I will meet again. Until then, I treasure the hopeful moments we shared.

 

 

Death exposes a hidden fear that is often carefully concealed within most of us. We hide behind the lie that we are invincible, but just beneath the surface of that façade is the reality that we are terrified. We know that death is not contagious, but somehow we feel compromised – vulnerable—threatened by its presence. Our security is at stake, after all, if death could shatter "that" family, what guarantee do we have? Instinctively, we want to leave sound judgment behind and flee for safety.

 

 

The express purpose of this booklet is to equip you with some tangible, practical tips on how to meaningfully draw near to the bereaved. These tips are not rocket science, but I am confident that they can help you navigate through the murky waters. Although each loss is unique, the need to feel cared for remains consistent. Hopefully, these tips will lay a foundation upon which you can continue to build.

 

In the same way that each loss is unique, each of us is unique as well. Therefore, our comfort zones and our styles will be very different, but each of us has the capacity to show we care. Where one’s gift may be with the use of words, another’s gift may be deeds of kindness. Reaching out to the bereaved will usually stretch us beyond our comfort zone.

 

The reward for stepping up to the call cannot be measured, but when two souls connect there is a mutual blessing. The knowledge that someone cares deeply enough to risk their own comfort isn’t quickly forgotten by the bereaved. Often in the wee hours of the night, the memory of these small acts of kindness is the tangible evidence that someone truly does care.

 

When the angel of death strikes, even at those times when death may be welcomed, death is not glamorous. Death is wretched. It is the last enemy to be fought. It rips deeply into the heart of mankind and in a moment separates the significant from the insignificant. It leaves in its wake desperately wounded people in need of the tender loving care of a friend. Every act of kindness, big or small, carries with it the balm of healing. I know of no greater honor than to be a servant to "least of these."

 

 

These following tips are merely categories that when thought through can become springboards for actions. So many times people don’t know what to do or they are afraid of doing the wrong thing. In my estimation, doing nothing is worse than doing the wrong thing.

 

 

You have made the volitional decision to help, but now you need to discern what it is that you can do. "5S" is the name of a workplace organization methodology. For the benefit of simplification, I too have chosen to use five S’s to define categories that can become your springboards to action.

 

The following are specific examples of some "things" that you can do!

 

After a death, it is often best to stop by the home of the bereaved unannounced bearing a small gift. Calling ahead of time can place pressure on the bereaved to meet unrealistic expectations. They may feel they are not personally fit to receive guests or they may feel self-conscious about the state of their home. Stopping by unannounced removes those burdens from the bereaved. When you arrive at their door with a gift in hand, it is something tangible that says "you care." The gift becomes the focal point for a few moments giving you that opportunity to collect yourself. Feeling inadequate is very normal, as well as a sign of humility. If the bereaved is not receiving guests, the gift can be left behind to be discovered later. If the gift is something perishable you may want to leave it with a neighbor who can deliver it later.

 

Ideas for small gift are limitless, but these are a few of my favorite standbys:

 

Meal – preferably brought in disposal pans

Card – in our community it is a custom to include a monetary gift

Flowers, Plants, Keepsake Ornaments

Journal

Inspirational Book

Gift certificates for home-delivery or restaurants

Practical Household items such as:

soft Kleenex

paper plates

coffee

baked goods

cooler of bottled water

 

It is not the value of the gift as much as the thought. In the dark days ahead each gift will become a reminder that others do care.

 

Grief is exhausting, even the simplest tasks can seem overwhelming. Death is an intruder that strikes at the heart of a home. Death is no respecter of circumstances.

 

If you arrive at the home of the bereaved and things are in disarray why not become a secret servant. For example, if there are already several people there, after you have expressed your condolences and visited with the bereaved, why not make a point of using the restroom. If the bathroom needs tidying up, go ahead and do it. Often cleaning supplies are stored under the sink. You don’t need to do an all out job, but why not clean the sink, freshen the toilet, clean the mirror, and hang out a fresh towel. You could accomplish that task in three to four minutes without anyone even noticing.

 

Is the sink full of dishes, does the dishwasher need to be unloaded, is there laundry that needs folding? If you are low-key, most people will not feel threatened or judged by your help. The will simply appreciate your kindness.

Do not be afraid to ask if there is something you can do to help. Unspecific offers of help may go unheeded. Using a direct approach may open the door for the bereaved to accept your offer. Try using a statement such as:

 

"I am free this afternoon and would like to help, what can I do for you?"

"Could I stop at the store and pick up bread or milk for you?"

"Could I help you address thank you cards?"

"When you are ready, I would be willing to help you sort through the deceased’s belongings."

Then there is another category of routine things that may need doing such as:

Shoveling the walk

Cutting the grass

Weeding a garden

 

To be supportive will involve a commitment on your behalf. You will not be supportive at this level with every person who encounters loss, but there will be those who you feel closer to and you feel called to support more intimately. Doing so will involve specifically scheduling time to spend together. It will necessitate becoming proactive to their needs. You will need to anticipate areas that require support.

 

Let me share a few personal examples with you.

 

Part of the healing process is being able to tell your story over and over again. If you have spent any time with the bereaved you will notice how frequently they repeat themselves. Their world has shattered and they are trying to pick up the pieces. At times they will notice they are repeating themselves, at other times they will be oblivious to it. Please be patient with them, what they need more than ever is someone to listen, a safe person that will allow them to bear their soul. Most often they do not need your response, a simple nod of the head, or holding their hand will assure them that they have your attention.

 

The bereaved wants to know that their loved one has not been forgotten. When you are willing to talk about memories with them and call their loved one by name you show them that you are not scared off by their emotions. When you cry with them you reinforce that you valued their loved one.

 

 

At times, it can be helpful to have a guideline of "what not to do." When we find ourselves in situations that are beyond our comfort zone, we tend to "react" rather than to "act". As I walked through my own grief, I was most hurt by the following tendencies. Often times I had to remind myself that these actions were not intentional, but they did hurt nonetheless.

 

These were the five most common mistakes that people made in their attempt to help me through my grief.

 

Trying to fix it can take shape in different forms. Any attempt to minimize the loss is wrong. Loss is not something that you can fix. Grief is a process that takes time. You do a great injustice to someone when you reduce their loss to something that can be fixed.

 

The feeling that your loss is being ignored is painful. The bereaved never forgets their loss. They carry it within their heart each day. You do not make them more comfortable by ignoring it. Take a risk and ask them what the hardest thing is for them – then shut-up and let them tell you.

 

 

Don’t try to give a spiritual reason for the loss.

Don’t give spiritual platitudes such as:

"God needed them more"

"God causes all things to work together for good"

"You don’t know what God spared them from"

 

Don’t assume that bereaved doesn’t want to talk about.

 

We grew up learning readin’, ritin’ & ‘rithmetic – now we need to reckon with the three R’s of providing long-term support for those who grieve.

 

Grief is necessary to healing

 

Grief cannot be rushed

 

Grieving involves many stages such as: denial, bargaining, anger, depression & acceptance

 

Mark your calendar with the deceased birthday, anniversary of the death, all of the significant family holidays that will be celebrated in the coming year and then find creative ways to show your friend you are remembering them in the loss.

 

Grief is lonely – your sensitivity speaks volumes.

 

When we lose a loved one, we are faced with regrets

 

Losing a loved one creates a void – an empty spot that cannot be filled by activity, etc

 

Loss may create new responsibilities, a loss of financial resources, security, meaning

 

Losing a spouse can feel as though you have lost apart of yourself

 

Losing a child is out of order – it has been said, that when a man loses his wife he becomes a widower, when a woman loses her husband she becomes a widow, when a child loses their parents they become an orphan, but when a parent loses a child there is no single word to describe their loss.

 

Part of respect is not minimizing someone else’s loss.

 

These suggestions are merely that – suggestions. I know that as you walk alongside the grieving that you will come up with many other ideas. In fact, you may disagree with some that I have shared, or find that some of these suggestions were not appropriate to your situation. The main point that I hoped to convey was that although you may feel inadequate and ill-equipped there are many things you can do.

 

When the bereaved sees your heart and intention, they are very forgiving of the things you don’t do well. When you stumble, say you are sorry, then get up and keep reaching out. There does comes a day in each of our lives when we become the bereaved.

 

I would love to hear about your experiences of comforting the bereaved. You can email me at info@debwatson.net. Visit my website at www.debwatson.net to read more about our story of loss and the healing that followed.

 

www.debwatson.net OR www.amazon.com